@GrantTanaka

pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet

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@shopkins776

Hurricane Diary

Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster

Day 2)I am out of snacks

@VancityReynolds

Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.

@ElleOhHell

A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.

@TheCatWhisprer

I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”

@samuelhlowe

– Baby, do you think I have too much makeup on?
– That depends. Are you gonna try to kill Batman?

@JMFingSparks

5yo: *smells glue stick*

Me: DON’T BE SMELLING THAT!!

5yo: it smells like strawberries!

Me: give me that…*smells glue stick*

@_Ted_Bear

Why can’t I get mobile reception in my house, yet a terrorist can upload his videos from a cave in Afghanistan?

@ConanOBrien

I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.

@errdayhustlah

If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.