pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet

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Boss: Why put off until tomorrow what you can do today?

Me: It’ll be higher quality and less tense for everyone if we wait?

Boss: Today!


HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car


Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.


When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.


“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”


I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?


[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge: please spell it again i lost count


Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.


Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.

Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.