pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
You Might Also Like
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.