pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet

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Hurricane Diary

Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster

Day 2)I am out of snacks


Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.


A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.


I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”


– Baby, do you think I have too much makeup on?
– That depends. Are you gonna try to kill Batman?


5yo: *smells glue stick*


5yo: it smells like strawberries!

Me: give me that…*smells glue stick*


Why can’t I get mobile reception in my house, yet a terrorist can upload his videos from a cave in Afghanistan?


I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.


If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.