Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

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[trust fall exercise at work]

CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!

M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.


Mind: Does a flying dream sound good tonight?
Me: Yea!
Mind: Horrific shadow demon it is.
Me: But I thought-?
Mind: Don’t worry, it can fly.


ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?

SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?


[swipes debit card] *would you like cash back?* yes [gazes at photo in wallet of steve jobs johnny cash & bob hope, whispers] yes i would


Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?

Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-

Him: *running away*



My mind: Age is just a number!

My lower back: Lolololololol


[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years


In honeycombs, why are the babies called larvae and not wannabees?


*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door

*hears the word “sex”

*turns down my TV