Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
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“I took care of your clown problem.”
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Give a baker flours on your first date.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!