[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
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Mind: Does a flying dream sound good tonight?
Mind: Horrific shadow demon it is.
Me: But I thought-?
Mind: Don’t worry, it can fly.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
[swipes debit card] *would you like cash back?* yes [gazes at photo in wallet of steve jobs johnny cash & bob hope, whispers] yes i would
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
In honeycombs, why are the babies called larvae and not wannabees?
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
im actually a very hot person, don’t let my looks deceive you