@theDanLawler

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.

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@hellohappy_time

[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]

the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah

@Stellacopter

[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed

@TheCiscoKidder

Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.

@UncleDuke1969

Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.

@fro_vo

[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi

@TheAlexNevil

It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.

@WhitneyCummings

if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.

@GensPlace

Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on my windscreen which said, ‘Parking Fine.’
That was nice…