@theDanLawler

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.

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@TheBoydP

Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…

@coolauntV

Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth

@KalvinMacleod

GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish

@ObscureGent

My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.

@AngryRaccoon2

Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.

@StarWarsProblms

Anakin: Want to go out?

Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.

Anakin:

Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.

@jferg1616

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

@BuckyIsotope

*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*

@trevso_electric

Remember: tomorrow is TOPLESS TUESDAY no matter what human resources tells you.