Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
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My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food