Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.

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Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…


Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth


GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish


My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.


Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.


Anakin: Want to go out?

Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.


Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.


Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”


*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*


Remember: tomorrow is TOPLESS TUESDAY no matter what human resources tells you.