*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
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describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Lube but for my dry humor.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
What a year we’ve had this week.
that lip filler tho
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.