I’m writing a screenplay where a shark attacks people at the beach but, like, emotionally.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
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Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Nancy Grace just called pot smokers “fat and lazy”. Right. Unlike the buff marathon runners home 4 o’clock on a Monday watching your show.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Everyone’s judging my ‘Only God Can Judge Me’ tattoo. This is not how this was meant to go down.