@TheIronSherk

*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*

She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1

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@drhappyknuckles

I’m writing a screenplay where a shark attacks people at the beach but, like, emotionally.

@penelope20mn

Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.

@MrPudmansButler

If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.

@rainsutton

Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.

Well done the UK. Well done.

@TheTweetOfGod

Nancy Grace just called pot smokers “fat and lazy”. Right. Unlike the buff marathon runners home 4 o’clock on a Monday watching your show.

@audipenny

[god, creating ducks]

Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know

@aotakeo

me: [taking off shirt]

wife: woah slow down there bud

me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?

@my_minivan_life

Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.

@david8hughes

Everyone’s judging my ‘Only God Can Judge Me’ tattoo. This is not how this was meant to go down.