*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
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How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again