Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
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911: What is your emergency?
911: Riley, is that you?
911: Listen carefully, that firefighter asked to be transferred.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
That awkward moment when the garbage goes out more than you.
Mugger: [pulls knife] gimme your wallet
Me: You picked the WRONG DAY to rob me Pal. I get paid Fri at midnight you should try again then
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does