Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
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I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
God, I love Scotland
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.