pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
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Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad