Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
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The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Buying a well is money well spent.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.