@CorkyKneivel

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

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@junejuly12

Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.

@SnarkyMommy78

Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.

@NewDadNotes

Me: Alexa, watch our kids.

Alexa: ok.

Wife: wait, really?

Me: shhh, lets leave before she changes her mind!

@sjredmond

Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.

@rocknthepurple

I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal

@TheTalkingPipe

Make a friend today. Give a complete stranger a big, long hug. If they happen to get mad, tell the police a guy on twitter said you could.

@joshgondelman

I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”