Where’s Jesus when you need him. There’s only 2 fish sticks left and I’ve got company coming.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
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“Can I help you find something?”
I’m looking for the perfect diamond for my wife that says “sorry I cheated on you in your dream last nite”
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460