Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
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Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.