@OhNoSheTwitnt

Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.

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@biggsmoke814

Where’s Jesus when you need him. There’s only 2 fish sticks left and I’ve got company coming.

@caperbc75

“Can I help you find something?”

I’m looking for the perfect diamond for my wife that says “sorry I cheated on you in your dream last nite”

@XplodingUnicorn

*stands on scale at doctor’s office*

*takes off coat*

*empties pockets*

*shaves eyebrows*

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL

Bartender: I’m cutting you off

@andreavbecker

I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”

Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me

@bwebster76

Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.

@robyn_vo

I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.

@meganamram

Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460