Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
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These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken