12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
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[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels