went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
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Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.