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@AristotlesNZ

Nothing solves all of life’s biggest problems like a well-timed, awkward & overly complicated kick to the face. -The Karate Kid.

@JohnLyonTweets

Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!

Band: *plays Freebird*

Me: Well that backfired.

@FredTaming

[ first date ]

her: i want a partner that can open my heart

me: well i am a surge-

her: and never do anything to shock me

me: protector

@JimmerThatisAll

I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.

@DammitLarry1

When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.

@FrankTheDoorman

97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.

@PyrBliss

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

@TattedChanel

So Brad Pitt is being investigated for child abuse after yelling at his kids on a flight. Better send my mum to the electric chair then.

@sixfootcandy

Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.