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Nothing solves all of life’s biggest problems like a well-timed, awkward & overly complicated kick to the face. -The Karate Kid.


Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!

Band: *plays Freebird*

Me: Well that backfired.


[ first date ]

her: i want a partner that can open my heart

me: well i am a surge-

her: and never do anything to shock me

me: protector


I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.


When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.


97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.


I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.


So Brad Pitt is being investigated for child abuse after yelling at his kids on a flight. Better send my mum to the electric chair then.


Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.