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@squirrel74wkgn

This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.

@joshreavis

“I don’t need any more books. I need to finish the books I have.”

Sees new book:

@stevevsninjas

So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.

@TheMichaelRock

I bet all this shit started because someone told Trump he couldn’t be president and Trump said “hold my beer, watch this”

@eminmien

RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?

ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?

RIDDLER: Well, no, but

@sock_holliday

Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it

T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all

[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]

@maisonshouting

MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house

@JohnLyonTweets

I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

@riverpig12

Twitter : bc in real life Smart, funny, beautiful women are not following us anywhere.