Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
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so, is there a mister shapen head
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
I am HOWLING at this
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?