Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.

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Fave bit of the Breaking Bad finale is when Ross is like “DID SHE GET OFF THE METH?” and then Rachel shows up and says “I got off the meth.”


[first day as a vet]
me: what seems to be the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where


The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.


Thanks for sending your Blackberry pin to my iPhone.

When did you get electricity in your cave?


INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?

ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.


Coworker: I like working with you. I feel like I can really talk to you

Me: I’m sorry I gave you that impression. That’s not correct


Then Satan said, “Let’s convince everyone they need to go gluten free.” And that kids, was the Christmas fiasco of 2015.


The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.


parents: you were such a smart kid what happened??!?
me: your child died and was replaced by a lookalike; a conspiracy theory thread