@BookishBunny

Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.

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@Cllnsn

Fave bit of the Breaking Bad finale is when Ross is like “DID SHE GET OFF THE METH?” and then Rachel shows up and says “I got off the meth.”

@mrjohndarby

[first day as a vet]
me: what seems to be the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where

@kimlockhartga

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.

@theshamingofjay

Thanks for sending your Blackberry pin to my iPhone.

When did you get electricity in your cave?

@BradBroaddus

INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?

ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.

@msbtx

Coworker: I like working with you. I feel like I can really talk to you

Me: I’m sorry I gave you that impression. That’s not correct

@kwirkyKerri

Then Satan said, “Let’s convince everyone they need to go gluten free.” And that kids, was the Christmas fiasco of 2015.

@Jandalize

The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.

@larasjeansong

parents: you were such a smart kid what happened??!?
me: your child died and was replaced by a lookalike; a conspiracy theory thread