Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
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The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Duck typos.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans