Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.

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Her: I’m running a little late.
M: how many more seconds er I mean yeah sure take your time.

Me, trying to play it cool with the babysitter


My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device in Florida.

I call it “No air conditioning”.


This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?


Most googled search terms today

Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?

After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?


Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.


crush: i really like music

me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*


You do a lot of yoga?
So you must be really…(winks) annoying


We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?


In middle school, I had a crush on a kid named BJ. When you write Heather loves BJ on your notebooks, you make a lot of friends.