Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
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just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.