@KaptainKoRnie

Pretty please?

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@ThaJawn

(Cannibalism anonymous)

Fat guy(sitting alone in a conference room): *burps

@FunnyBison

I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.

@ddsmidt

If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.

@InternetHippo

ME: People should be able to say what they want w/o consequences, that’s the essence of free speech
SOMEONE: You suck
ME: Call the police

@joeyellis

ENTER PASSWORD.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

RESET PASSWORD.

NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.

sets fire to computer

@WilliamAder

Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*

@MommaUnfiltered

Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.

@packageoflies

At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”

@imchriskelly

“What charities do you donate to?”

“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”

@BoogTweets

More like “science UN-fair”

*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*

*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon