Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
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As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”