Fat guy(sitting alone in a conference room): *burps
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I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
ME: People should be able to say what they want w/o consequences, that’s the essence of free speech
SOMEONE: You suck
ME: Call the police
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon