Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
You Might Also Like
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
doing your own taxes
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.