[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
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I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.