Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*leads a conga line off of a bridge

Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.

Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one

“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!

All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.

Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.

[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla

ME: you look great tonight

DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime

ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here

I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.

She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She

“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”

“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”

“Oh rad bring it in”

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?

I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.

Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.

Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.

Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…

We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.

Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.

Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority

“No, it’s not me” 😂💀

The options really are this bad

I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.

Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.

another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog

Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*

My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:

“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”

Me: pick and choose your battle.

My son: I choose every battle.

burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that

wife: [sits up] oh my god

husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed

burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch

Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.

“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!