Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
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Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
this is the best day of my life
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*