I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
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Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
“Um ok, sauce only”
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
I always click the unfollow button with my middle finger .
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.