Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
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we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
True
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
#milo
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.