[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
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I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
I watch birds sometimes and wonder, “If I could fly, whose car would I crap on?”
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY