Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
You Might Also Like
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
The 6 types of sex
The Punning Dead.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
is this store having a stroke wtf
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
sry