See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
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After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
consequences, the bane of my existence
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”