Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
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London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z