decorating my apartment
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
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“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Me: I’m a confident driver
Friend: You almost just ran someone over
Me: Confidently tho
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
ISIS, meet ebola. Ebola, meet ISIS. Problem solved.