Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
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Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!