@AngelaEhh
@daemonic3
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
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@daemonic3
@okimstillhungry
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
@OctopusCaveman
are frogs lazy?
@jergarl
I’m ONLY remembering to drink fluids because you told me to. NOT because fluids are literally the only thing you CAN drink, KAREN.
@WhaJoTalkinBout
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
@Kyle_Lippert
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
@IRLPepperMD
[911 call]
IM GETTING EATEN-
*pause*
Ok one sec.
*holds phone away from mouth*
Are you an alligator or a crocodile?
*pause*
Cool. ITS A CRO-
@Kirinodere
Obama: I’m going to miss living in the White Hou-
Biden: DUUUDE look at my roll!
Obama: MAAAN is that UR Kotori?
@Playing_Dad
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
@bobby
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.