9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
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no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
It’s an epidemic…
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.