Seductively sings in Klingon.
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what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
watergate? u mean a dam??
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Follow me for more recipes
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”