I’ve invented a new kind of waffle maker that makes 300 waffles per minute whether you want it to or not
Pretty sure if I ever texted my hubs a nude pic of me, he’d probably respond “I think you meant to send this to someone else.”
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When God made raccoons he was like do you want to be an old timey burglar or a trash digger. Too slow. You’re both now.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Math professor: today we’re doing geometry
Me: *falls asleep*
[20 years later]
Occult leader: set up a pentagram of salt
Me: a what now
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Listen to your inner child. It’s the one that whisper-sings nursery rhymes when you feel alone in a dark hallway.