Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
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If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Lmfao
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.