@asimplesean

Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him

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@theyearofelan

Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside

@ObiWanPunobi

What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?

@ShortSleeveSuit

Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated

@Brianhopecomedy

*bakes 12 cookies*

*waits for family to come home*

*eats 12*

*family arrives*

5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”

“Weird! Here’s a salad.”

@AbbieEvansXO

[bank robbery]

Me: this is a hold up

[later at the police station]

Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?

Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station

@Kyle_Lippert

“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror

@CheeseDaydreams

I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose

@TheAlexNevil

Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.