Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
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George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??