Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
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What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Shouldn’t Godzilla be fighting Satanzilla?
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.