Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
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*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
me working on my assignments ^-^
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character