Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
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I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
me refusing to leave twitter
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.