@heymonroe

Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.

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@thtchicmichelle

Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.

@est1975blog

I didn’t realize how parenting had changed me until I was walking by my 7yo with an ice cream sandwich down my pants so he wouldn’t see it

@brakco

I can’t help but feel that if Mario hadn’t been taking so many mushrooms he would have found the right castle rather quickly..

@5hael

This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies

@Token_Geezer

The reason the Japanese kill so many whales is because they remind them of Americans

@robdelaney

If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.

@maisondecris

MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]

@Reverend_Scott

[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”

Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.

[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”

Haha no, he went to Disney World.