St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
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Mute the voices in your head by eating really crunchy food.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
I didn’t realize how parenting had changed me until I was walking by my 7yo with an ice cream sandwich down my pants so he wouldn’t see it
I can’t help but feel that if Mario hadn’t been taking so many mushrooms he would have found the right castle rather quickly..
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
The reason the Japanese kill so many whales is because they remind them of Americans
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”
Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.