@MaraWilson

Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator

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@GrantTanaka

*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO

@punmagnate

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

@jazmasta

*sits at bar and loosens tie after a tough day at the office*
Bartender: Usual?
Me: Make it a large one
Bartender: One large milk coming up

@Smooheed

*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*

@ClaytonSykes

If you’re gonna offer free milk for coffee at a convenience store, don’t get all weird when I bring in a dry bowl of cereal.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here

@DurtMcHurtt

Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.

@MandiAtRandom

Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit

Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”

@Deltamel1

Happy death anniversary to Library paste man, an inspiration to us all