Every grocery store has free samples if you’re quick enough
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
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*throws flashlight at him
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
*sits at bar and loosens tie after a tough day at the office*
Me: Make it a large one
Bartender: One large milk coming up
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
If you’re gonna offer free milk for coffee at a convenience store, don’t get all weird when I bring in a dry bowl of cereal.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Happy death anniversary to Library paste man, an inspiration to us all