Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
You Might Also Like
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]