[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
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If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
🤣dope
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.