Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
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*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Hank is one in a melon.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Natural selection at its finest
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon