Happy that I paid $ for a gym membership to exercise the little neuron in my brain that argues whether I should go to the gym every day
Pretty sure the neighbors are impressed with the banging and screaming they heard.
Little do they know it was just me chasing a spider.
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They should make an alarm clock that plays the sound of my dog about to throw up.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Deer: I have a proposal for you
Rabbit: I’m all ears
Deer: HAHA I get it, cuz of the whole big ears thing
Rabbit: That’s pretty hurtful Jeff
Bob: Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Choosing your identity when you become a politician
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.