the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
You Might Also Like
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Siri, fight Alexa.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.