Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
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My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Genius idea!!
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes