Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
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I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
I triple waxed for this?