*performs sax solo*
*performs sex, solo*
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
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I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Man, these hotcakes are selling like themselves.
I don’t think I’ll get married again. I’ll just find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
100 million years ago there were no creationists.