Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.

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me: I broke my leg, can anyone help

guy: I know what to do

me: oh thank goodness

guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses

me: k wait


Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit


Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.


I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.


I don’t think I’ll get married again. I’ll just find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.


Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras