Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
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My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for