@Mikecanrant

Pretty upset to find out that salmonella poisoning has nothing to do with a vindictive fish named Ella.

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@david8hughes

Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”

@EndhooS

“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*

@PJTLynch

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that

@AlmightyBored

Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.

@GingerGander

A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…

@briangaar

I blow-dried my hair, now it looks like the mane of a majestic lion who is really good at video games

@KateWhineHall

Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,

I don’t understand.

@weinerdog4life

Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup

Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?

@jwoodham

FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.