Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
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*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!