@Mikecanrant

Pretty upset to find out that salmonella poisoning has nothing to do with a vindictive fish named Ella.

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@alexlumaga

Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes

Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?

Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?

Cashier: Limes

Me: The other one, the dead body one

@Cpin42

I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”

@Heather2Go

To support all you Movember guys, I’m not shaving my legs this month. To be honest, I probably won’t shave in Mecember or Manuary either.

@DanMentos

“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]

@iwearaonesie

Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”

@kyle_thatisall

How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk

@PaperWash

“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”

*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*

“Omg!”

Narrator: The power of Febreeze

@Kamikaze_Blonde

My husband’s digging what he says is a pond but I’m still thinking about hiding one of those ‘In the event of my death’ letters as a precaution.

@Fat_Jalbert

Waiter: how would you like your steak?
Me: rare
[later]
Waiter: *brings steak with a 1st edition Charizard on it*
Me: *tearing up* perfect