Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Pretty upset to find out that salmonella poisoning has nothing to do with a vindictive fish named Ella.
You Might Also Like
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
I blow-dried my hair, now it looks like the mane of a majestic lion who is really good at video games
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.