@Mikecanrant: Pretty upset to find out that salmonella poisoning has nothing to do with a vindictive fish named Ella.
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@ArfMeasures: Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire Wife: Are my husband's Creed's albums on there? Firefighter: No Wife *slides him $20* what about now
@matt___nelson: ME: time for sleep BRAIN: what if potatoes could talk ME: ugh BRAIN: and make friends with one another ME: please stop BRAIN: best spuds
@shutupmikeginn: air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
@Surhailo: Ain't no sunshine when she's gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.