According to my Ex, we only had 2 problems:
2. Not her.
Pretty upset to find out that salmonella poisoning has nothing to do with a vindictive fish named Ella.
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Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Me: The other one, the dead body one
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
To support all you Movember guys, I’m not shaving my legs this month. To be honest, I probably won’t shave in Mecember or Manuary either.
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
My husband’s digging what he says is a pond but I’m still thinking about hiding one of those ‘In the event of my death’ letters as a precaution.
Waiter: how would you like your steak?
Waiter: *brings steak with a 1st edition Charizard on it*
Me: *tearing up* perfect