Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
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My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.