Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
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ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
5 ways to appear taller
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
is this a warning or an offer?
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Great acting.. 😂
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”