Pretty weird to think that in the future, there will be old people named ‘Hailey’ and ‘Brayden’ running around in vintage Twilight t-shirts.

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In the interest of improving the workplace, my company has put up signs that say: CAUTION. OPEN DOORS SLOWLY.
My best time so far is 7 min.


“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade


client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent


I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.


Often when swimming I still cross ankles and try to mermaid kick. Then I swim up to a random guy and sing to him until he calls security.


No officer the joke’s on you. That breathalyzer will never tell you how much acid I dropped tonight.


Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.


Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?

Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.


Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here