File under excellent bookstore names.
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Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too