You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
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50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
How to draw a duck
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
LA today:
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.