Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
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Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.