Previously On Persistence 😎
You Might Also Like
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
what does he know…
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*