Previously On Persistence 😎
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In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.