Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
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I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.